Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Red Sky at Morning

AVAST YE LAND LUBBERS!

Things did not go Well.

Aside from the obvious problem of having no REAL idea where Legba was, we also had the problem of NOT KNOWING HOW TO FUCKING SAIL A SHIP. We are a Clown, a Luchadore, a Martial Artist, a Maniac, a Faux-Voodoo Witch Doctor, an Elvis Impersonator, a Slasher Villain, Darkhorse, a Mime, a Devilishly Handsome Walking Death Machine and Nightscream. NONE OF US HAVE EVER EVEN BEEN ON A BOAT BEFORE.

So we had to outsource some help. Captain David Jones Junior and his crew of Proxies, aboard the luxury liner and Proxy controlled Murder Ship... Actually, you know what. I am not telling you the Ship's name. Let it be a surprise for any of you who decide to take a cruise. ANYWAY. These guys specialize in catching Runners and Norms and subjecting them to Father's Glorious influence. Trapping them on the ship after they get Father's attention. Little hard for Runners to run when they are trapped on an, admittedly large, cruiser.

A Good Operation really. They are clever and capable Proxies... So I cannot really blame them for shit going wrong. The Plan was fairly simple. Luxury Cruiser sailing into where we suspect the Pirates to be... Miles out at sea. No real rescue could happen.

BUT OF COURSE IT TOOK THEM NEARLY A GODDAMN WEEK TO TAKE THE BAIT.

When they did, it was a simple matter of not getting shot while the Pirates come aboard to collect their Booty. I love Seafood. We then hijacked their boats and had the traumatized survivor tell us where home base is. An utterly inconspicuous Cargo Ship. Security was pretty lax too at first. Sailed right up and boarded and GUESS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED?

EVERY. SINGLE. YAR HAR FIDDLE DEE DEE FUCKING PIRATE ON BOARD HAD A SWORD OF THE GROVE. A FETTERED BLADE.

Do you know WHY? I saw the Goddamn reason. When the Pirates noticed us, Papa Legba came out. Liked the suit. Very Classy. HATED the Red Tie. Beside him was a Person in a Silver Plague Doctor Mask and Black Robe. The Black Queen again. It fucking HAD to be.

Clearly The Plague Doctor is slipping. The last time I saw The Black Queen, she was being chased down by The Plague Doctor and Magog's Oathbreakers in the HEART of the Crumbling Castle. HOW THE FUCK DID SHE ESCAPE THAT???

Things immediately went to hell. Our People on the Pirate Skiffs started riddling the place with Machinegun Fire, and I ran the fuck away from Pintel, Ragetti and their fucking DEATH SWORDS. Thank GOD we had Jones' Crew there as Meatshields. No causalities among the people that mattered, but we may need to up recruitment here in the Caribbean.

Which brings us to our current state of affairs. The last thing we did before retreating is using up the couple of RPGs that the Skiffs had laying around. I named them Final Fantasy, Dragon's Quest and Ultima. So, that floating hunk of junk is in pretty bad shape.

Now for the bad news. We left someone behind. GUESS FUCKING WHO? I don't know what happened, or WHY Nightscream got left behind, but when we started hauling ass out of there Screamer was NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. If Screamer is ALIVE I am going to KILL IT when we start the Second Assault... Which, at the time I am posting this, should be an hour ago. Just to be safe.

We think they had to haul their crippled asses over to a nearby island to make repairs. We are going in heavy this time with a special surprise that had good Old Proxy Bob quaking in his boots. Even the Hallowing couldn't erase that instinctual fear. That delicious dread that only months of being stalked and hunted can cause... Ladies and Gentlemen. We are leading a force of Pale Men to massacre Legba's Pirates. I expect a glorious slaughter that should serve as a reminder for that Big Red Moron who he is dealing with. White Knives and Black Coats will be stained a deep shade of crimson tonight, and the Caribbean will be alive with the sounds of absolute agony and sheer terror. The Perfect night if you ask me. Ta-ta for now.

19 comments:

  1. Up recruitment in the Caribbean?

    Ugh...I'm on it.

    -Veigar

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  2. Hmm, sounds interesting and all, but shouldn't there have been a big storm? That's immediately what I thought when I saw the title. It just sounds like a (semi-) regular day for you. Meh, track Redlight down and end him. ~ C

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  3. Ugggghhh.... "The people that mattered".

    Classy Star.

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    Replies
    1. Well they don't matter. Just Proxies. Just humans. They are going to die anyway.

      Delete
    2. What exactly does that make Glee Man, Recluse, and the others?

      Delete
  4. Where does one obtain these swords that can hurt you?

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    Replies
    1. Sanna, it's really simple you see those swords are from Canada. Now you might be wondering, "Why are Canadian made items Hikaru's kryptonite?" Well after Hikaru's first adventure anytime he comes in contact with such an item he is reminded of the horrific boredom he had to suffer. A boredom so strong that it literally can hurt him.

      Delete
    2. You don't obtain them. You make them. Rather... Redlight makes them. Or one of his minions.

      Delete
    3. Goddammit. I'd rather let you stay alive, jump into a barrel of shit, watch The Human Centipede while eating chocolate and get fucked in the eye socket with a Taser than work with Redshite.

      Is there any other way of killing you?

      Delete
  5. Additional question. WHO THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING CLOWN AND WHY DID HE OR SHE CHOOSE TO BE SOMETHING SO UNHOLY AND TeRRIFying????

    I hate clowns. They're in my nightmares. Alongside YOU. I haven't fucking forgotten. Fracture just diagnose me with post traumatic stress or whatever it's called. Because of YOU. But why would you care. It's not like you're the one who has to suffer the consequences. And NOW you have a fucking clown????!!! Fuck that!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck YOU.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gleeman is the Clown. One of my oldest and dearest friend and teammate. Trust me though, I had the same reaction when I first met him. Scary looking fucker, though he reminds me of a cranky uncle, in terms of personality, more than he does Bozo the Clown.

      Delete
    2. "Gleeman"? It has a name? Shit, can it talk and stuff? Don't tell it I said any of this shit. It might make balloon animals from my intestines. Ugh. Hate clowns. What are they hiding behind all that makeup? Why is the unicycle their getaway vehicle? Oh god, I'm so glad you're not a clown, if you were here now, I would hug you, for NOT being a clown. That is awesome and very kind of you. Then I would rip your fucking head from your shoulders.

      Delete
    3. Oh. My. God. NO NO NO NO. Kyle. Someone hold me. Or get a shoe and kill it. I don't care which.

      Oh what. Shit. GODDAMN. I thought Star was just shitting with me. And then I thought you were just shitting with me. I opened the link and literally pissed myself... torture has not been good to my bladder.

      Delete
    4. Hey kid. FUCK YOU! I made kids laugh once upon a time! I never fucking asked for some asshat from Maine to write a book that suddenly made you stupid, impressionable pieces of shit afraid of people who made a goddamn living by trying to make you happy. You ungrateful, cruel piece of shit.

      And fuck Stephen King too.

      Delete
    5. YES, Gleeman! I love your style man; chainsaws and cyanide pies XD. You've got class. I'd never want to be in a fight with you, but you've got class, man. /fanboying

      Delete
    6. Fuck. Fuck. Oh. My. God. What do I do. I made it angry??

      I APOLOGISE for being born in 1997. I mean I should have made the effort to be born in the 20s or some shit.

      Delete
    7. HEY! CLOWN FACE! Remember me!? Remember that little argument we had, although there is no point for me writing this comment, since this post is pretty old and I bet nobody will notice the comment, but anyway, happy to see your still hiding your face behind that RIDICULOUS face paint.

      Still can't look at a mirror can ya? Sad, sad indeed.

      Delete
  6. Oh Lord...I jump back on the blogs after a week, visit Morningstar's blog, and promptly burst into laughter.

    Jeeze, you may be an insane psycho, but you're a funny one.

    ReplyDelete